Question: What do I do? I caught my spouse looking at pornography.

First I am sorry that you are experiencing this pain, betrayal, and injustice. I know that you may feel very alone, and there is never an easy answer to this question. However I want to lay a foundation from the beginning for the path forward.You must realize that it will be a long, rocky, and uphill journey; don’t give up on the way.

Second please understand that this is only a 700-word blog post. You are going to need additional help so donot hesitate to call Peacemaker Ministries. We have additional resources that can help you as you travel this road.

For now, Psalm 25:10 can comfort and guide you as you move down the path, navigating this experience.

Scripture:  Psalm 25:10 (NASB95)

All the paths of the Lord are loving-kindness and truth to those who keep His covenant and His testimonies.

The Path of a Peacemaker: Get on God’s Path

The first and most important step to begin the journey of reconciliation with your spouse is to get on God’s Path. You can’t stay on your own path and find peace. You must follow the trail God has established for you.

See, your path might say: “I will free my spouse from porn.” Wrong Path. You cannot free your spouse. Jesus is the only one who can free your spouse. Remember what Jesus says in Luke 4:18–19 (NASB95), “‘The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because He anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim release to the captives, and recovery of sight to the blind, to set free those who are oppressed, to proclaim the favorable year of the Lord.’” He—Jesus—was anointed to bring freedom. You were not.

Your path might say, “It is my fault my spouse looked at porn.” Wrong Path. Your spouse’s sin is not your fault. They are responsible for themselves. Your spouse may try and blame you or claim you were unavailable. Don’t drink in those lies. Your spouse is responsible for his or her own behavior. Not you.

God’s path is loving-kindness and truth. Let’s look at what that means.

The Path of a Peacemaker: God’s Path is one of loving-kindness and Truth.

God will demonstrate balanced love and truth to your spouse. He will also do the same for you. He is not going to excuse, ignore, or say that pornography is acceptable. That would not be the truth. God is also not going to throw you or your spouse to the curb. That would be unloving and unkind. He doesn’t give up on you. He doesn’t abandon you. He is going to call you and your spouse to purity and compassion.

So what do you do to follow God’s path of loving-kindness and truth? You present your spouse the same thing God does: balanced love and truth. Show love and be extremely truthful. Be incredibly kind and yet be wholly honest.

I know. I know. This may all seem too simple. However, it is the beginning of the path and not the end.

Here are some questions that will help you make it through this conflict.

Question #1: What outside help do we need to get to successfully walk through this conflict?

Question #2: What behaviors have I been making up excuses for in my spouse?

Question #3: What guilt or shame am I taking on that I should not be taking on?

Question #4: What is embarrassing to me right now?

Question #5: What is my greatest fear in this situation?

What is the bottom line when it comes to a spouse who is watching pornography?

Know that God has a path to help you make it through this trial. And call us at Peacemaker Ministries. We want to walk with you through this time, and we have some great resources to help you. 1-800-711-7118.